Having a Conversation with Your Loved Ones about Health Care Wishes
It’s up to you to take the initiative and express your wishes. Your family or loved ones are not likely to raise the issue for you.
Different Ways to Begin this Conversation with Your Loved Ones
Talking about health care issues can be difficult for anyone. One way to approach the subject is to talk about why you have decided to talk about these issues. For example:
Did a particular event cause you to make the decision?
Did an article in the newspaper or something that happened to a family member make you think about it?
What is motivating you to take these actions now?
Sometimes sharing your personal concerns and values, spiritual beliefs, or views about what makes life worth living can be as helpful as talking about specific treatments and circumstances. For example:
What aspects of your life give it the most meaning?
How do your religious or spiritual beliefs affect your attitudes toward dying and death?
What is your attitude towards death?
Sharing your medical care decisions with your loved ones will also help them ensure your wishes are followed. Decisions may include answers to the following questions:
How important is it to you to be physically independent and stay in your own home?
Would you want your health care agent to take into account the effect your illness has on any other people?
Would you prefer to die at home if possible?
Reassess your decisions over time. These are not simple questions and your views may change. It is important that you review these issues and discuss your choices as your personal health or circumstances change your life.
What to do if Family Members Disagree
To ensure your wishes are followed, be certain that the person you appoint to be your health care agent understands your wishes and will abide by them. Your agent has the legal right to make decisions for you even if close family members disagree. However, should close family members express strong disagreement, your healthcare agent and healthcare provider may find it extremely difficult to carry out the decisions you would want.
“I know that when a family member is at the end of their life, if there is not a clear picture of what that person wants, it leads to a lot of confusion, strife, and often anger on the part of people trying to make those decisions. There is a simple and easy way to make your wishes known so the decisions you would want are made: Advance Care Planning.” - Shirley Strickler, ACP facilitator and retired nurse
If you foresee that your health care agent may encounter resistance from your family members, the following steps can help:
Communicate with family members you anticipate may object to your decisions.
Tell them in writing whom you have appointed to be your health care agent and explain why you have done so.
Let them know that you do not wish them to be involved with decisions about your medical care and give a copy of these communications to your health care agent as well.
Give your primary physician copies of written communications you have made.
Prepare a more specific, written living will.
Make it clear in your documents that you want your agent to resolve any uncertainties that could arise when interpreting your living will.
A way to say this is: “My agent should make any decisions about how to interpret or when to apply my living will.”
An important part of communicating your health care wishes is discussing with your loved ones what you may need from them if you are faced with a life-threatening illness. Some questions that you may want to ask are:
Will you seek out information about my illness, Advance Directives, your role as caregiver, and what to expect during medical emergencies?
Will you respect my wants and needs, even if they are different from what they used to be and if you don’t agree with my choices?
If I cannot communicate for myself, will you advocate for me to make sure that what I want is done, even if you would not make the same choices yourself?
Who is a Health Care Agent
A health care agent is the person you choose to make health care decisions for you if you’re unable to speak for yourself.
It is recommended that you choose only one person to be your first health care agent. This way decisions can be made quickly, and it helps avoid disagreements. You can choose a second and third person to be your health care agent in case your first health care agent is unavailable.
Who can be your Health Care Agent?
A family member, friend or someone who:
Is 18 years or older
Knows you well
Agrees to accept this responsibility
Can be trusted to honor your wishes and values
Can make difficult decisions in stressful situations
Can be calm and think clearly when talking with your medical providers, family, and friends
Can be contacted easily by your medical providers
Who cannot be your health care agent?
• Your doctor
• A person who witnesses your signature on the MyCare Document
• Someone who works at the hospital, clinic, or facility where you receive medical care, unless he or she is a family member or domestic partner
The Conversation Project provides additional information about having the conversation with your loved ones about Advance Care Planning. To learn more, visit their website here.
Visit the MyCare Document for your Health Care Agent Form.